When he served as Deputy President and before any meeting could begin, there was one sacred ritual that had to be observed. Not a prayer. Not the national anthem. Not even introductions.
No.
Rigathi Gachagua’s meetings began with a census.
As attendees settled into their seats, Gachagua would rise dramatically, adjust his jacket, scan the room, and ask the only question he truly considered important:
“How many of our people are here?”
Aides knew exactly what that meant. Pens came out. Calculators appeared. The great tribal audit had begun.
If the count revealed that fewer than half the audience were Kikuyus, the atmosphere would turn tense.
“Hold on,” Gachagua would announce. “We cannot proceed under these mathematically unfavorable conditions.”
The meeting would immediately be suspended while political statisticians conducted emergency calculations. Some would count heads. Others would count surnames. The more ambitious ones would attempt advanced tribal geometry.
Legend has it that one rally was delayed for hours because the crowd stubbornly refused to meet the required ethnic quorum.
To Gachagua, every gathering seemed less like a political meeting and more like a shareholders’ convention where voting rights depended on tribal percentages.
While other politicians worried about jobs, healthcare, business, and the cost of living, Gachagua appeared consumed by a different national priority: demographic accounting.
His critics joked that if he ever attended a wedding, he would stop the ceremony halfway through and demand a tribal breakdown of the guests before allowing the vows to continue.
Today, the self-appointed guardian of ethnic arithmetic continues roaming the political landscape with an invisible calculator in hand, forever searching for the perfect audience.
Not the largest audience.
Not the most diverse audience.
Just an audience that passes the sacred headcount test.
For in the Kingdom of Gachagua, the agenda can wait, the speeches can wait, and the solutions can wait.
But the numbers? The numbers must always come first.
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